Manning the Ships

There are many types of sea-going vessels: boats, ships, canoes, kayaks, scows, barges, dinghies, gondolas, yachts, submarines, etc. Some are small, meant only for one occupant; others large, meant for groups.  Some are for leisure, a quiet place to fish as the sun rises or a raucous place to party with a group of friends.  Some are for provision, carrying coal from one part of the country to another or hauling in myriad types of seafood for consumption.  Whatever the size, whatever the purpose, each vessel needs proper maintenance in order to function.

I’ve been thinking about a different type of ship recently: relationships.  Like sea-going vessels, there are many types.  There are the overreaching categories, familial, platonic, and romantic, and within each of those, there are several subcategories.  We have different relationships with parents than we do with siblings, different relationships with colleagues than we do with friends, and different relationships with flirtations than long-term significant others.  

When I was growing up, my mom told my sister and me that friends and boyfriends may come and go, but our sister would always be there.  Every time we fought, she would remind us of this, and I am thankful for the relationship she and I now share, not only because of the comfort, advice, and shared memories we provide each other, but also because I see my nieces developing the same kind of relationship and it makes my heart smile.  

Recently, though, my mom and my aunts have been struggling, the stress that comes with caring for my gram as well as personality clashes have led to more and more tension.  This makes me sad and afraid.  Sad that their relationships are not weathering the storms of life and afraid that, if I am not careful, if I don’t take proper precautions, the same could happen for me.  Sad that my nieces see this, too, and afraid they might think it’s okay to allow the storms of life wash over their relationship and sink it.

Their struggle is certainly not unique to sisters; most relationships face such moments at one point or another, though perhaps not as intense.  When I think about the times I’ve faced them in my own relationships, I wonder if I have made the passage easier or if I have been a lightning rod.  I wonder if my pride has gotten in the way or if I’ve allowed His grace to guide my own.  Sadly, I know I have contributed to the rocky waves more than I would like to admit.  

When we encounter those tempests that threaten, what is the proper balance to fortify the ship?  There is a power balance in relationships that aren’t quite recognizable in fair weather.  People will sail along in blue skies, laughing and bonding.  Friends laughing at the latest episode of Modern Family, lovers gazing adoringly in each others‘ eyes while enjoying a sunset, family celebrating the birth of a child.  When the winds pick up, though, navigating the squall together can be a difficult thing, especially when there is more than one alpha in the mix.

I can’t remember where I read it, but I recall a quote that goes something along the lines of, “Saying I am sorry doesn’t always mean you’ve lost.  Sometimes it means you value the relationship more than you value being right.”  I think relationships are built, and broken, in the typhoons and hurricanes of life.  These are the times when we discover our own strengths and weaknesses as well as each others’.  If we are brave enough to be honest with ourselves and each other, brave enough to recognize where we are placing the value, we can adjust the sails or rudders together.