The Vault

I think most people have thoughts and feelings they primarily keep to themselves.  There may be one or two people with whom they will share but rarely more. Some may not share with anyone, some may share with everyone. There is a vulnerability in sharing your heart.

I am one of those who doesn't share with many. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to say what's on my mind most of the time, but there are some feelings I simply don't have the courage to put out into the world. Mostly, I think this is because I fear admitting weakness, which is frankly inane. I mean, realistically, everyone has weaknesses, chinks in the armor of our humanity. However, to admit that is to give someone ammunition that may possibly be used at a later date, in an unforeseen battle.

In the handful of times I have revealed these truths, I haven't realized it until after the fact. It has happened as we've gotten to know each other over time, when suddenly, I realize how much I've shared. It has been a bit scary but I went with it because I have always believed this is what humanity is: sharing our hearts because each of us is broken in ways only other people can complement. (Before some of you start protesting - notice I did not say we need other people to fix our brokenness. We do need other people so we can open ourselves to healing.). Sadly, there have been times I let down my guard with the wrong person. However, this is the risk we take, a risk that is worth it in my humble opinion.

For the past four years, I haven't done much sharing. Most of what I've felt and thought has been kept safely locked inside. And it's altered me. I used to be someone who loved to laugh, and was quick to do so, loved to be with people and there for them. Yet, when I was locking everything up, I started locking people out, and because of this, I lost my smile.

Things have been changing of late, though. Gradually, I have been opening myself not just by sharing what I've kept deadbolted for so long but also by opening my heart to what others have to share as well.  Fortunately, I have some amazingly patient people in my life.

A few years ago, I was having a rather soul-baring conversation with a friend. During the conversation, he jokingly referred to keeping our words private by saying, "I am hoping we can keep this in the vault." This is a rather apt metaphor, not just for keeping personal conversations personal but also for our own overwhelming feelings we would rather not share.

It is scaring the hell out of me to open this vault, not because I do not trust who I am giving the key. I think it is because this time, I know I am opening myself or will open myself. I am willingly risking vulnerability because I believe it is worth it. And it's been a long time since I've believed it's worth it. There's a reason Pandora closed the box and kept Hope locked in. It can be a powerful thing, capable of changing the world, and change can be scary.  But, man, is it worth it.