Revisiting the Scale

Scale:  a calibrated system of measurement

We have myriad scales with which we measure ourselves: it may be in comparison to someone else, an index that tells us where we fall in a group, a physical device to measure weight or height, a musical spectrum to measure pitch, a ranking system, etc.  That we fall where we fall on such scales isn’t the problem.  A number is a number.  The problem arises when the numbers are assigned a value or worth.  

Don’t get me wrong: worth and value are important.  It is necessary for people to seek these things.  I think that we, as a species, find life’s meaning in the value or worth of the people we love and the things we do.  Unfortunately, though, I am afraid that many of us do not determine the value or worth for the numbers; we let others do that for us.  Sometimes we do this because we do not know or haven’t learned as much about a subject as others, so by default, their definition of value trumps our own.  Sometimes, it is the social construct of the scale, etched into our brains through repeated images and words by the media that defines the value.  And sometimes it is those we love who determine the standards of the ideal.  Rarely, so rarely, is it the individual who examines the scale and assigns worth.  Even less frequently does one create his/her own scale altogether.

Measure:  a standard unit of quantity or quality

My own struggles with scales began long ago (see my last post), and what started as a clash of calories in versus calories out has since morphed into an internal war that has defined me in ways of which I was never quite aware until recently.  Quite simply, it boils down to works.  If I work hard enough at something, to erase an imperfection, to strengthen a weakness, to be flawless, I will have worth.  I know millions of others get where I’m comin’ from; in fact, Alanis Morrissette wrote some awesome lyrics and Janice Mirikitani composed a powerful poem that say it much more eloquently than I.  

Each of us has something about us that we believe holds us down or back or outside of some perceived value in an imposed measurement system.  For a long time, at least in my mind, I thought that something has been my weight.  However, over the past couple of months as I have navigated the tempests of depression and the squalls of weight loss, I have come to realize my issue isn’t just about weight but about achieving somebody else’s definition of worth.  

Quality:  value; worth

I’ve never had a deliberate conversation with myself about my own definition of worth.  Sure, I have adopted certain criterion I know are good: honesty, loyalty, empathy, compassion, faith, the ability to celebrate the moment, the ability to appreciate the blessings I have been given, the ability to laugh - a lot - as well as the ability to cry.  These have all come to me through my awesome family, friends, and experiences, though some of these weren’t-so-awesome.  Still, I have yet to consciously define what I deem worth.

I am not going to preach about how I’ve had some sort of epiphany and I suddenly celebrate all the wonderful things my body does, like play the game I love so much or allow me to live a full life, which it does.  My struggle with that scale may never end.  I am hoping, though, that I can now start to create my own scale and that I can recognize that others’ might well be very different than my own.  My hope is that in my pursuit of my own definition of worth, I can be cognizant of using my own scale rather than those established by others.  My hope is that my scale will be something I use to measure my growth and not to diminish someone else.  Let’s face it: most of us do enough diminishing of ourselves.