Dawn

I have been sad for over a year.  Not curl-in-a-fetal-position sad, at least not on a regular basis, but sad nonetheless.  I've spent many days and nights laying on the couch watching TV shows I've seen hundreds of times before or sitting on my back porch playing mindless games on an iPad.  I stopped working out.

This past summer, I spent the majority of my time watching past episodes of a TV show that happened to be in reruns.  I declined offers to go out and about from most people.  The four gazillion ideas I had from Pinterest to landscape my yard or organize my house or craft away didn't get done.  The plan to properly leash-train my pup fell by the wayside.

Worst of all, I stopped praying for myself.  I prayed quite often for others, but I stopped talking to Him about me, about my weaknesses, about my thanks, about my hopes.  I felt, for a very long time, that I was failing at life.

About a month ago, I went to the doctor for a check-up.  I didn't have anything in mind other than it had been quite a while since I'd been and I thought I was due.  I mentioned feeling super cranky with hormones, so the doc prescribed Prozac.  Just to be sure, she drew blood to run some tests.  A few days later, lo and behold, it turns out my thyroid has begun to fizzle out.

So I went to my GP for more blood tests, an ultrasound of my thyroid, and a confirmation of hypothyroidism.  Want to guess what the symptoms are?  Depression.  Lethargy.  Weight gain.  Fatigue.

I wish I could express what a relief it was to learn this.  I wish I could explain how quickly my eyes filled with tears with the knowledge that I wasn't going completely bananas.  I mean, let's face it, I'm kinda nutty on my own but it's nice to know that's just a fun personality quirk and not a condition that leads to the men with the white jackets ringing my doorbell.

I have been taking thyroid hormone for about a month, and they're still regulating the dosage, but good golly, what a difference!  I feel like I am a completely different person!  It's not just the energy difference; with teaching and coaching, I'm still pretty wiped.  It's the difference in my thoughts.  I am not focusing on the negative.  I am not sad anymore.  I no longer feel worthless.  Best of all, I am praying again.

I'm not one to talk about my feelings a whole bunch.  I might mention something in passing, but I rarely reach out for fear of burdening someone else.  I remember talking about this particular feeling a handful of times.  I am thankful for one friend who listened and encouraged rather than some others who dismissed it as nonsensical.  I didn't even want to write about it because it feels like I'm just whining, but I have been thinking a lot about how much my life has changed in the past two or three years, about how much of that change has been internal as well as external.

I think it is very easy to look at those around us and imagine them to be happier than we are, more successful, skinnier, prettier, whatever-ier, and lose sight of the fact that they've got a lot going on inside as well.  I think it is easy to forget that everyone struggles and not everyone wears it on their sleeves.  I think it is important to remember that a little compassion, a little empathy, can make someone's struggle a bit more bearable, if even for a moment.

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. ~ Proverbs 17:17